From grief to action Family tragedy sent daughter on suicide prevention path

Darla Tyler-McSherry turned one of the worst moments of her family’s life into a life-saving mission to prevent other farm families from experiencing the same thing hers did.

By 2016, Dick Tyler, Tyler-McSherry’s 82-year-old father, had worked on the family’s Montana wheat farm his entire life and was very proud of the fact that he had been part of or led harvest for 71 years. Because of a congenital eye condition and other health issues, he was no longer able to participate in harvest. The family didn’t realize how tough that was for him.

“My dad was born on the farm, and he died on the farm by his own hands,” she said. “I’ve spent my career educating people about physical health and mental health. I never thought it would touch me so personally. I was trained to spot these behaviors in people, and I didn’t see them in my dad.”

In 2018, two years after her father’s suicide, Tyler-McSherry started the Ask In Earnest initiative, which is focused on raising awareness about mental health issues in the farm community and educating people on ways to protect their mental health. The name, Ask In Earnest, is a nod to her father. Shortly after his death, Tyler-McSherry was talking to one of her father’s friends. That friend told her that whenever her father saw someone he knew, he’d stop and ask in earnest how they were doing. The friend explained that that question wasn’t asked to be nosy but because her father really cared.

“It is one of most beautiful things anybody said about my dad, and I took that phrase to use as my initiative name,” Tyler-McSherry explained.

Tyler-McSherry said she still struggles with some guilt for not seeing warning signs in her father’s behavior and explained that sometimes family members can be too close to the situation. She encourages people to slow down, zoom out, and take a close look at loved ones. Part of what Ask In Earnest does is help concerned family and friends initiate what can be a very scary conversation with someone they suspect is suffering with mental health issues.

“We might know they are struggling, but we might not have any idea how badly they are struggling,” she said. “We help give you some skills and some confidence that you can have this conversation, and you can be nervous, and your voice can be shaky, and you can be sweaty, and you can feel like your heart is racing. All those are okay, and you can potentially save a life if you ask someone if they are thinking of suicide.”

Ask In Earnest teams up with other grassroot initiatives and other entities in the agricultural community who are teaching prevention courses. Besides her own initiative, Tyler-McSherry is a certified QPR trainer, which is a 90-minute class that’s been identified as a best practice for suicide prevention. QPR stands for question, persuade, and refer and can be compared to CPR for suicide. She’s also training in a course called COMET (Changing Our Mental and Emotional Trajectory) that is similar to QPR but is geared more for rural populations.

Crisis hotlines are often seen as help only for the person in crisis, but that’s not case. If you suspect somebody is struggling, you can call a crisis hotline and ask for ways to approach the person you are concerned about. One of the roadblocks to asking about someone’s mental health can be the sense of responsibility it confers on the person doing the asking.

“When you learn CPR, no one is expecting you to turn into the emergency room doctor. You are the bridge between that person in trouble and life-saving help,” Tyler-McSherry said. “It’s the same thing with QPR or COMET or mental health first aid and the work I do with Ask In Earnest. I’m not suggesting in any way shape or form that you are going to turn into a mental health counselor in 90 minutes, or that if I’m worried about you and I start talking to you about suicide, that means I’ve become your mental health counselor. No. You are going to be the bridge to help someone in crisis and get them connected to some quality life-saving help.”

If you are struggling with your mental health, Tyler-McSherry has some tips:

• Sleep. Evidence shows that sleeping too much or too little has an impact on mental health. To help get better sleep, keep the room dark, quiet, and slightly humid. Do something relaxing a half hour or hour before bedtime. Avoid stimulates such as nicotine and caffeine a couple hours before bedtime. Larger amounts of alcohol consumption have been shown to disrupt sleep patterns. It’s recommended mattresses be changed every eight years and pillows every two to three years. 
• Nutrition and hydration. Farmers spend a lot of time making sure that their crops and livestock are well fed and hydrated, and they need to do the same for themselves. Drink nonalcoholic and nondehydrating fluids throughout the day. Caffeine can actually flush fluids out of the body. Research has shown that people who eat more fresh fruits, fresh vegetables, lean meats, and low amounts of sugar report fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety than people who eat a lot of processed fast foods and foods high in sugar and fat. 
• Gratitude. Tyler-McSherry said there’s research showing that actively expressing and practicing gratitude 15 minutes a day, five days a week for six weeks can make a positive impact on mental health because it broadens our perspective and can help us see a different view. This can be as simple as writing in a journal or saying out loud what you are grateful for.

Tyler-McSherry said the attributes that make good farmers — hard working, independent, problem solvers, resilient, adaptable — can also work against them.

“That’s where we challenge the stigma and help people understand that just like we’d go to the doctor for help with our sprained knee or our diabetes or our high blood pressure, we can tap into a professional to help with our mental health, too,” she said. “There’s no shame in that. We shouldn’t feel like we have to suffer through that alone. Effective health is available. It’s not a weakness to ask for help. It’s a sign of incredible strength and bravery.”

Tyler-McSherry will be bringing her Ask In Earnest initiative to Washington growers Feb. 27 as part of the Agricultural Marketing and Management Organization winter workshops. Registration for the session begins at 9:30 a.m. and will be held at the Hampton Inn-Garden Springs in Spokane, Wash. More details will be made available at wawg.org/ammo-workshops/.

More information about Ask In Earnest can be found at askinearnest.org.